Do you know anybody in Portland?

Sorry I haven't sent out one of these missives in a while. There's a lot to report.

First of all, I'm pregnant. Not me, specifically, but my wife and me, which may as well be me because so far, I'm the one with the protruding belly.

You know how they say getting pregnant makes you see things differently? Wow. It's true. Take LA. I mean it. Take LA. I don't want it, not anymore. It's a tough place to be a grown-up. Can you imagine what it must be like to be a kid there?

Sure, there's so much to expose a kid to. Crack whores and homeless guys. Sig Alerts. Valet parking. And I know there's no better place for my child to learn how to tag.

Still, I'm willing to give all that up—to deprive the fruit of my loins, as it were—in order to give him or her a childhood replete with. . . well, boredom.

Hell, it was good enough for me.

No, I didn't grow up in Portland, but that's not the point. My kid is going to have the childhood I wish I'd had. Where apples ripening on the tree hang just above the picket fence for easy picking. Where you can buy a taco after six without being propositioned by young men in mini skirts.

Where it rains.

Call us impulsive, but we went and bought ourselves a house. One with not just an attic but a basement, too, for crying out loud. And a porch. A real, live, porch where you can actually sit on a swing and wave to your neighbors.

And where your neighbors wave back, neither you nor them feeling the need to calculate which one of you might be better connected to David Hasselhoff's ophthalmologist's cousin.

I'm not saying all this to brag. I'm saying this with a sense of astonishment. Places like this really do exist—or seem to anyway. I shouldn't be that surprised. I've traveled. I've shot in Istanbul and Buenos Aires and Detroit. I should know that there are people who don't live like we do. Like we did. Like we intend not to.

And I know that there will be things about LA that I'll miss. The chicken at Versailles, for one thing. The sunshine. Some really wonderful people.

Which brings me to the point of this diatribe. We don't know a lot of people here. So far, we know five. Which is a great start, but we wouldn't mind knowing more.

Is there anyone you can think of who lives in or around Portland that we might get along with? Someone creative, audacious, artistic, opinionated, and fun? Someone who cares deeply about something, whether it's global warming or snowboarding?

If you can think of anyone, please introduce us. Send them my e-mail address, or send me theirs.

Thank you.