Canada, the new Brooklyn

After spending the better part of the past two months directing projects in Canada (I've been working in Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, and Ontario), I figured out something amazing about Canada.

It's Brooklyn.

Not Brooklyn the way it is now, mind you. I'm talking the Brooklyn that was. Bubbie and Zadie's Brooklyn. The Brooklyn where hoodlums used to play stick ball in the streets. In fact, just the other day when I walked out the door in Moncton, that's exactly what I saw. Okay, sure, the hoodlums are on skates. And everybody's got a stick. And the ball is a puck. But you get the idea.

Remember New York bagels? Where can you even find a decent bagel in New York any more? Sure, there's H&H. But when you get past them there's... Well, there's that crappy roll with the hole in it you can buy off a cart.

If you've never been to Canada, you're not going to believe this, but the bagels here are--and I'm not exaggerating when I say this--better. Sorry. You New York die-hards are just going to have to suck it up.

And lox. As in Nova. As in Nova Scotia, which is where amazing smoked salmon comes from. The last time a salmon swam up the East River was what? 1837?

You've heard of Montreal smoked meat? Turns out it's made out of pastrami. Or is it corned beef? Whatever. It's every bit as good as the stuff they used to serve at Jewish delis all over Brooklyn. And you pay for it with money that actually looks like money, unlike the goofy new bills they're passing off as money in the States.

This is so remarkably clear that I figure it has to be part of a plan. I mean, we're exporting freedom to the Middle East, the Chinese have the booming economy we used to be famous for, Iceland consumes way more Coca-Cola per-capita than we do, and Argentina's basketball team won the Olympic Gold Medal in 2004.

And suddenly I get it. It's brilliant. This is part of our war on terrorism.

Everybody knows about American manufacturing jobs going offshore. That was just the first step. Now we take everything else that's quintessentially American and move it somewhere else, too.

India gets technology. Chile gets apple pie. Russia gets capitalism. And Japan gets baseball. And the automotive industry. And consumer electronics.

Next time those Al Qaeda bastards try to take down America, they won't find any America to take down. Instead, they'll find an entire country full of fat, lazy, cultureless consumers up to their eyeballs in debt.

Now that's what I call strategy.